As you've probably heard by now, Regal Cinemas, the largest movie chain (or as they like to say "circuit") in the world is issuing paging devices to patrons that can signal ushers to stop rude behavior. You know, things like yammering into a phone; bright lights from texting; endless candy wrapper rattling, seat kicking, gum snapping; and my fave - someone telling their friend what's going to happen because they think they know or have already seen the freakin' movie! Brilliant! But I digress. Many comments and articles have called movie goers who use this device "tattling." No doubt these are the folks Regal and the general public despise: The totally clueless.

Oh, there are also alerts on the pagers to tell ushers when the sound isn't working; the picture's messed up; or some low life is shooting the movie with a hand-held. Forget complaining about the seven course nacho cheese dinner being eaten next to you as the excess cheese flings in your general direction - that's a staple theaters thrive on as it's a serious source of revenue.

Bottom line: Regal realizes they're losing lots of loot because even though people have big screen TVs, HD, DVDs, iTVs and whatever new gadgets make the scene, they still hunger to mingle with the public in a closed dark box. That and the sweet sound of feet sticking to the floor as one finds their seat. Unfortunately, the totally clueless have kept them away in droves.

Personally, I think Regal should stop messin' around and step things up: Hook live wires to the seats with some serious electric current running through them. This way when the totally clueless start in they get a bit of electro-shock therapy. Just a few thousand volts oughta do it. One request though, Regal, if you decide to go with this idea, don't slide any of these gizmos to my ex-girlfriends, okay?